no need to apologize

no need to apologize

having just returned from crowded roads i squirm holding back screams. the thought of being thus surrounded by hundreds of strangers. how easy it is to open fire assault gunplay that prevalent here. stay away. remain positive. refold the crumpled dirty clothing. act as if the ending known ahead of time. the refuse of a made up mind. opening into a love affair without bodies. wonder unfolds as the thermometer rises toward then past triple digits. as a youngster on an evening subway. the large man staring directly into my eyes cracked slowly each knuckle. fascinated he knew i would say nothing. as solitary birds circle overhead. in that instant my eyes changed color. relapse lounges in an alley among lost and tossed aside items. a second or third time perhaps. yours were such a beautiful blue. a summer or fall sky. draw a broken arrow through their line of speech. select and keep only those most disagreeable. not at all unlike those two who love to hear themselves talk. having no regard for being paid attention to. it is enough simply to feel the hot air exposure. not all interruptions disrupt even though most do. well past a quarter of the way might i find a way to turn around and retrace my travels. in the attic closet the cost of sharing grew too great. bankrupt i returned again west. the last time i went down on you.

one fear is that words will reveal more than intended

there’s no magic to it. just the waste matter of exhaustion. to find them once again in your bed. the storm of misunderstanding dissipating. narrowing brief truisms. the sort of thing that reminds of cheap candy. palatable but rarely satisfying. your red car parked outside my window. brief flings into fantasy worlds. begin preparing for the isolated journey of old age. wrapped in mental capacity to retrieve youthful mindsets. no more real than the present active ingredient. all learned through exhaustive schooling. what’s the point in looking further when the first line of thought eliminates confusion. ignorance an epidemic insidious and fatal. their flower headband an historic accounting of your failure to appreciate. excited previously recorded seductions. dictating the terms of their attachment. will this be the last time we see each other. practice with others does not help. soft melodic resonances. sometimes just thinking about them. or the chill recoil of morning air. and absence of documented proof.

gary lundy’s poems have appeared most recently in Anti-Heroin Chic: Grief and Loss IssueFenceMeta/Phor(e)/Play, Cutbank: Weekly Flash Prose & Prose Poetry, and Setu: Western Voices Special Edition. His most recent book, each room echoes absence, was released by FootHills Publishing (March 2018). gary is a retired English Professor and queer living in Missoula, Montana.

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