It was that next spring that the flowers started to grow at the explosion site. That was after you said in this here courtroom that I should be on cleanup duty. Since I did great work not getting exploded at the factory and all. And since I already breathed in the chemical cloud anyways.

Now you’re probably thinking why would those workers go back after everything they’d been through? Well, those of us who did a good job not getting exploded were running out of money and Ruth down at Ruth’s was no longer going to serve beers on credit. This was after she already raised beer prices, mind you. I don’t know if she wasn’t making enough money since everyone in town got exploded or their job got exploded, or if she just wanted to go to Cabo.

So, I took the job and started to clean up on the same crew with Jimmy and his cousin. Not the pretty one. Now, Jimmy starts going off again about the state championship senior year and how my amazing back-footed end zone pass was too high. And there was no way he could have caught it and we lost because I never should have been quarterback to begin with on account of that Anderson kid getting sick. And I’m so sick of hearing this again. So I walk off and I’m throwing rocks back-footed into the creek, every one could’ve been a touchdown, and Jimmy starts hollering from over where the wall got blown out all into the parking lot and he’s standing next to the bus that got crushed all excited. And he’s holding something that’s glowing and I was going to ask him why would you pick up something glowing? But before I got to him he fell over dead. And I was walking pretty briskly, mind you.

So, Jimmy’s cousin was panicking and running around and stomping all over the azaleas I planted that were coming up through the crushed bus windows. You would’ve liked them, very pretty, smelled real nice too, but they got all trampled. Now, when I got to Jimmy he was still holding a glowing flower so I thought I probably shouldn’t try CPR or nothing. You know since I’d never seen a flower glow before and never seen anyone die from holding onto a glowing flower either. And now you’re probably thinking he knows CPR? Yeah I learned lots of things since high school.

“You claim to know a lifesaving maneuver that may have saved Jim Miller’s life. You chose to leave him to die,” said the prosecutor, Debra.

No, like I said he was already dead and I didn’t leave him. I stood there and called Robbie, I mean Sheriff Robert. Before he got there the glowing flower blew away and Jimmy just looked like he got mad at the azaleas and stomped on them and had a heart attack and fell and hit his head or something. Poor azaleas.

“To make sure everyone in this crowded courtroom including the esteemed judge and gracious jury understand,” said Debra, “you said that Jim Miller was holding a glowing flower that blew away in the wind. You are implying that you had nothing to do with his death and the only witness was Jim’s cousin Ralph Miller who has mysteriously disappeared?”

His name was Ralph? Only thing I know about Jimmy’s cousin Ralph disappearing was watching him run away from the crime scene of those azaleas. That’s about when Robbie, I mean Robert, you know, the Sheriff, showed up and examined Jimmy and I mostly examined the azaleas and there was no bringing them back. So, I told Robert about the glowing flower and he told the mayor and the mayor said a lot of things about how no one else can die in this town and Robert said nothing else but made me take a breathalyzer.

So, then I started to notice more and more glowing flowers pop up over the next few weeks. They were kind of shaped like those carnations from the grocery store by the stoplight but they were glowing and they killed people when they touched them.

As the last of the cleanup crew doing good work not dying or disappearing I just kept digging up the flowers all careful-like and threw them down by the creek in the back. The one we all used to swim in growing up, but stopped when that Anderson kid got all sick after the factory was built. But no one goes down there anymore so I figured the glow would be good and hidden. So, the glowing flowers just kept popping up all over, so I just kept shoveling because Ruth needed to raise the beer prices again since she wasn’t making enough money without Jimmy and his cousin what’s-his-face spending all their cleanup money there. And she needed a new fridge since Stevey down at the local paper wrote a bad review saying Ruth’s was just cold women and warm beer and I don’t know what Stevey was talking about since Ruth is always warm because of her goddamn condition. And, anyways, the flowers seemed to be taking root down by the creek and I didn’t have anywhere else to put them.

“Ruth is not currently on the stand. You are. She will be, and I assure you her crimes run far deeper than price gouging,” said Debra. “We all know you did not contact additional authorities that might have taken these deadly glowing flowers seriously. You had many options ranging from the EPA to state and federal law enforcement. You also seemingly had plenty of free time.”

Well you see I was going to, I’m a real law-abiding citizen, mind you, but one of those cocky high school football players in town read some old guidebook that said something about swimming down in the creek. And he went down there for a swim since he must be too young to remember that Anderson kid. And then the mayor and Sheriff Robert got involved since the kid never came back, and there was no body in the creek, and the flowers were all down there glowing and getting real tall.

So, the mayor shows up at the explosion site and with her is Sheriff Robert and she starts asking questions like what are these flowers made of? and how long does it take to kill someone? and can we break it down into a colorless, odorless substance that could be slipped into someone’s drink? and all that. And I’m like I have no idea, I just shovel them from up there and bring them down here so Ruth can give me some beer that’s real cold from her new fridge. And it looks like they just started growing on their own down here and getting real tall. And I tell the Sheriff not to touch the flowers but maybe the mayor should since she’s asking all these questions and I don’t know the answers and maybe she should find out for herself. And anyways everyone says she caused the explosion by trying to clean up the creek and now no one can afford real cold beer without shoveling glowing flowers first.

“You admit in this courtroom to telling the mayor she should touch the flowers?” asked Debra.

No, Your Honor, the mayor—

“The judge is ‘Your Honor,’ you can call me Debra.”

Oh okay so back in high school when you dumped me you said never to call you again. But I never called you again before that so that didn’t make sense. So, now it’s Debra again, that’s great. So, maybe we should grab a cold beer together down at Ruth’s sometime. Like maybe tonight. And we can catch up on how well we’ve done since high school, since I’m doing real good, if you know what I mean.

“…”

So, yeah down by the creek the mayor didn’t touch the flowers but Sheriff Robert put on some gloves. And he pulls a plant out of the ground and something must have not worked right with the gloves and he just falls over dead right there on a patch of the glowing flowers and the flowers just eat him.

“You would like us to believe that flowers just ate him?” asked Debra.

Yeah, Debra, the flowers eat people, try to stay with me here, you should know that by now. He fell in and just started to disappear and there’s just this goo where he was lying, and then the flowers sucked up the goo and they grew taller right away. It was pretty scary so I ran off and the mayor ran off, but it turns out she was just trying to catch me and she tackles me and says don’t tell anyone about this. So, I don’t tell anyone about that since she’s the mayor and all, even though I still can’t swim in the creek.

“You are stating that Mayor Thornwood told you to cover up the Sheriff’s death. Specifically Sheriff Robert Contada?” asked Debra.

I didn’t have to cover anything up, since like I said, the flowers ate Robbie. Jesus, Debra, it’s like in high school all over again and you’re not even listening to me. Like that song senior year on the radio that you wouldn’t listen to with the singer singing about revenge and that epic guitar solo faster than anything you’ve ever heard before. Way faster than your ex-husband Elroy could play. What a loser. Probably couldn’t even play some easy kid’s song and you still married him. Probably got divorced because he couldn’t shred. But you’re single now? Maybe we should—

“This is another warning,” said the judge. “You must stay on topic or you will be charged with contempt of court.”

On topic, on topic, of course, Your Honor. So, Deb, what questions can I answer for you? How I make a lot of money since everyone got eaten by the flowers?

“What I need from you, what we all need, is answers that can be trusted. You have damaged that sacred trust. You just stated that the mayor forced you to cover up the death of Sheriff Contada. This court cannot corroborate those details given her untimely death. How did she die?”

Okay, yeah Deb we can play it slow. So, the mayor had this whole secret meeting with the city council and a bunch of fancy business people from town and I’m in this meeting since I’ve seen someone fall in and get eaten and I’ve been doing almost all of the shoveling and the mayor starts off with the Sheriff is dead. Which I thought was a weird way to start a meeting since she told me not to tell anyone. But you know what, she’s the mayor for a reason and everyone still says it’s to clean up the creek. So, I didn’t complain about her telling everyone that we watched Robbie turn into goo and get eaten. Even if she said I pushed him, mind you. So, I just sat and smiled like this.Been a while since you seen that smile, ain’t that right Debs? Way better than Elroy’s smile. What a loser.

“Counsel, if you want to continue this questioning you must keep the defendant in line,” said the judge. “This may be the strangest case this court has ever heard but we still need to follow protocol.”

“I hear, Your Honor. At this moment, I need some additional leeway from you in letting the defendant ramble for the state’s case to be effective,” said Debra. “Being very specific, who was at that meeting and what was decided?”

Well you know they’re pretty much all dead now, so it don’t matter so much. But they said since their political and business rivals were turning the town to ruin they should embrace the flowers they all said. And I said if they did that they’d die, but they said it was just metaphorical and that they’d turn the explosion site into some secret poison factory so they could take control of the town and maybe the state and maybe who knows what else and maybe make a lot of money. I think they needed the money to go to Cabo. So, they said maybe they’d do the embrace the flowers thing and came up with a list of people to poison.

“Maybe?” asked Debra.

Maybe what, baby? A drink at Ruth’s tonight at like eight? Late enough we won’t drink too much before bar close, if you know what I mean.

“It sounds like you weren’t trusted to make any decisions at the meeting. You were, however, tasked with implementing the plan, were you not?” said Debra.

Well, they did the embrace the flowers thing and it was like no one was supposed to talk about the flowers or how sometimes Ruth was getting people real drunk and they were being brought down to the creek. And sometimes I’d be shoveling flowers up from the factory down there, just shoveling, mind you, and the drunks would fall into the flower patch and they would turn into goo and get eaten and the flowers would grow real tall right away. And then the town doctor would take the poison out of the flowers with her fancy doctor equipment and a lot of people, even people who thought they were too good to drink at Ruth’s, started disappearing all of a sudden.

So, then Stevey down at the local paper wrote all about the cool stuff like the glowing flowers and the poison factory and the Sheriff getting gooed and everything but not all the cool stuff I was doing with the shoveling. He really sold us out. And we’re all told to go down to the Sheriff’s office and tell A-Money I mean Andy I mean the new Sheriff Andrew what happened. But he was the one driving the drunks down to the creek anyways to make some extra money for his wife who only sleeps with him when he gives her gifts and all he says was this seems like a political issue not a legal one and let us go.

So, then the riots happened. But I didn’t do the looting, or arson, or throwing people into the flowers, or nothing, mind you. But the mayor got thrown into the flowers and she turned into goo in front of the people who didn’t like turning the explosion site into a poison factory since the last factory didn’t do so good. And they didn’t like the flowers or anything about embracing them. And she was eaten and the flowers got real tall in front of everyone. And when they saw the mayor’s goo get drank like a cold beer they all said that was really cool and maybe we should keep the flowers after all and maybe the mayor was right and maybe we shouldn’t have thrown her in. So, I said let’s all go to Ruth’s and talk about how cool that was and how we should keep the plants and forget about the mayor and who may or may not have thrown her in over some cold beers since she didn’t clean up the creek anyways. And we did and most of the town was there and we had a vote and voted Ruth the new mayor since she said she’d give us a round of free beers. But then she only gave us the cheap shit.

“For the record, you are referring to Ruth Dubois. You keep bringing her up in unrelated conversations. You seem almost infatuated with her, is that what drove you to continue maintaining these killer flowers?” said Debra.

Yes, babe, I’m talking about Ruth. Who I hooked up with under the bleachers at that homecoming game in high school that you dumped me over. Worst day of my life. Not the Ruth part. That was amazing. Still remember it all these years later. But you breaking up with me while I was buying Ruth an ice cream cone because that was the deal we made.

“I remember that vividly,” said Debra.

So do I, baby. So do I. Worst day of my life. Except for the Ruth part. But I’m not into her, she just serves real cold beer and gets me real drunk. So, we all decided to keep the flowers since they can turn people into goo and they’re here anyways. And Ruth said her first act as mayor would be to raise beer prices. But she’d raise the prices a lot more for the new victims while she was getting them drunk. But she would still have to charge the rest of us a little more than she was because she needed money for a new stage so she could address her subjects properly as we sacrificed people to the flowers.

“Please let the record show that Ruth Dubois has been a stain on this fine town since before she was elected mayor. The blood is on her hands,” said Debra.

No, but what I’m saying is that the flowers turn people into goo. Not blood. Sweetheart, sometimes I think you need to get your ears checked. Since everything I’m saying is about us, babygirl. So, we started doing the sacrifices off the top of the grocery store by the stoplight every Tuesday and sometimes the third Thursday of the month if the moonlight was complementary to Ruth’s complexion.

So, we started with Stevey from the paper since Ruth told us to because he gave Ruth’s a new two-star review. Something about it being unwelcoming. And dangerous. And while he was in that big official burlap sack with the sacrificial prayers written on it he kept yelling about journalistic integrity. And boy did that journalistic integrity change real fast when he was up there on that diving board getting poked with those spears. But man, that guy could chug. Saying this all out loud really makes you feel like we maybe should have stopped throwing good people into the flowers. I’ll chug one for you, Stevey.

“We lost everything. To be clear, the Ruth in question is sitting in the courtroom today? Right over there?” said Debra.

Yeah, nugget, you know Ruth. It’s been a while since you left to get your fancy degree in the city and never came back until I see you looking fine in the courtroom today, if you know what I mean. But you should recognize her since she still looks like Ruth that day under the bleachers, mind you.

“Have you had sexual intercourse with Ruth since that homecoming football game?” asked Debra.

No, jellybean, I promised you after that game that I wouldn’t. I’d just give Ruthy-bear up because you and me, we had something special.

“Objection Your Honor, relevance?” said the defense attorney.

“No need, judge,” said Debra, “I’m done with that line of questioning. Please let the record show that Ruth is still the same whore she was in high school. Let the record also show that the defendant has under oath in the sanctity of this court sworn he maintained all of the promises he made to me.”

“Objection?” said the defense attorney. “I think. What is happening?”

Yes, babycakes, please let the record show that I’ve upheld all my promises to you. Ever since Ruth seduced me under the bleachers for ice cream and then also got me drunk on cold beer like every night since and things probably happened that I can’t really remember. And she keeps raising her prices on cold beer, mind you. Kept my promise through all that.

“The state will be charging her for her crimes,” said Debra, pointing at Ruth in the audience. “I ask the deputies in the courtroom to please take her into custody. No, she is a dangerous criminal. You need to handcuff her, walk her out of the courthouse in front of the press and onto the sacrificial platform atop the grocery store. No, that one doesn’t have enough parking. Bring her to the one by the stoplight. Thank you. The prosecution believes the defendant has committed no crimes.”

“Objection!” yelled the defense attorney. “No, wait, what?”

“The state has decided to drop all charges in this case. Baby, you are free to embrace me,” said Debra.

“Now just hold on a minute,” said the judge as Debra jumped into my arms. The overflowing courtroom watched as we became two hormone-crazed high schoolers again. Debra pulled me onto the prosecution’s table, sending legal papers flying across the room. Sheriff Andrew pulled out his cell phone camera for what he’ll probably tell his wife later is just evidence. The crowd squealed with delight in anticipation of another non-scheduled sacrifice from atop the grocery store by the stoplight.

“NOW JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE,” said Judge Elroy.

Kyle Andrew Johnson is a writer and screenwriter based in Austin, Texas. His work has appeared in Points in Case and Weekly Humorist. More at kyleandrewjohnson.com.